I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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