are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize