Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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