if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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