a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
