Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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