i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
