i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
