season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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