apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony