I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.