The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
