You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.