Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer