if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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