And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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