Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
