somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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