I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
