Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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