Tell her she can't have a vagina
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
