i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
