you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
