a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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