Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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