i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
