I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
