there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
