why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
