Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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