I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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