Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
