I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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