i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.