Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.