I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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