I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
