i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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