who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
