You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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