life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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