My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
