i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
