Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
