he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
