capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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