good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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