I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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