Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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