i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
