he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
