Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We just shotgunned beers for America
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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