ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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