you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
