I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
